Some of you may have already seen this post (It is one I posted originally a few months ago), but I feel prompted to post it again. Maybe somebody new needs to hear my story. Some of the content may be triggering for those dealing with self-harm issues.
Our Heavenly Father gives us help in our lives during our most challenging times and when things are going well. I love the verse of scripture found in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ in Moroni chapter 7, verse 33 which states:
“And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.”
We can hope in the Savior of the world, in His redeeming power and perfect love. He strengthens us when we cannot do things on our own.
Where does divine help come from?
- Divine help comes from an added measure of strength and ability. This may be the case when knowledge is brought to our minds while we are taking an exam. There are many other examples of this in life.
- Divine help comes in the form of other people. Our Heavenly Father shares His love with us through sending people into our lives to lift and love us.
- Divine help also comes from diligence in keeping the commandments, reading the word of God and applying and integrating truths into our lives. Basically, it comes from actually believing in the words we read and the truths we study.
All of these aspects of divine help have been essential in my healing process. I will relate one example that has specific importance to me as it was probably the worst night of my life so far, but with divine help, I was able to make it through somehow.
The Worst Night of My Life
I don’t quite remember this night in the sequence of all the other events that went on during my depression. I had done a lot of things to self-harm before. This night, I was pretty much trying everything.
I am not positive, but I think that it was this night that I ate dinner with a good friend of mine. I tried eating as much as I could so that I could go try to throw it all up afterwards. So, I stuffed my face with food then went to the bathroom. I tried repeatedly to stick my finger down my throat and throw up, but nothing but spit came up. I got the gag reflex but nothing else. It made me frustrated.
I went back out to the kitchen then back to my bedroom. I think I had cut previously that day pretty deeply and had band-aids covering up the cuts. So, I went back to my bedroom and was really glad my roommate wasn’t home. I turned my candle warmer on and opened the window.
I had the screen out when my dear friend, who was washing the dishes when she was prompted to come back to check on me. When she came in I was on the bed ready to sit on the windowsill and jump out of my third story apartment building. When she came in I was not happy. I just wanted to die.
Below is a quote from my journal with how I felt around the time:
“I hate my life so much. I want to die right now. But nobody will let me. And I don’t understand why. My life is pointless. I hurt everyone. I’m a stress to everyone. I’m a burden to everyone and things would be better for people if I was not alive. Really they would.”
So she came in and I knew she wouldn’t let me jump out the window so as she put the screen back in, I proceeded to ram my head into the wall repeatedly. I wanted to do anything to destroy my body. She held me back from doing this so I fought her and started to pull out large chunks of my hair, this was not the first time I had done this.
I also tried burning myself with the candle that was on the candle warmer and then with the candle warmer itself. I would use anything I could find to hurt or cut myself. I tried jamming push pins into my skin to make myself bleed. But my friend kept fighting me. One of my roommates came back and saw what was going on and then went back out to the living room to enlist her boyfriend to come help.
It was then that everyone was on top of me holding me down trying to make me stop destroying myself. I was so extremely mad and frustrated. I JUST WANTED TO DIE and they were not letting me. As they were on top of me and holding me down I kept fighting them by doing anything to get them off me. I even tried licking them. When I could grab more hair to pull out, I did so, or I would bite myself. Anything to inflict harm.
That was the night that the ambulance and the police came. I was handcuffed and brought to the Emergency Room. When the police came in that night, I knew I had lost. I dejectedly answered their questions and allowed them to handcuff me and drive me to the hospital.
Today I am extremely grateful for the divine help that came through other people that night. I am sure that I would not be alive today if it were not for that help and that strength. Times come in life that we feel we cannot get through. But we can! Christ helps us. He gives us power through divine help.
What are ways you have been helped through your darkest moments? What helps you to move on when it is so hard to do so? Where does your help and strength and courage come from?